THE NEED TO BE ALONE

I feel smothered by something I can’t explain that well… Somehow I have been accustomed to be alone and locked up somewhere. The need to be outside would just be for the sake of having to breathe some foreign air. Otherwise, I’d be suffocated by the same air that I am inhaling and exhaling for the entire time. It’s a bit weird though. Before, I used to find myself all over the place. I Spend time with people, take pictures, enjoy a particular event and being motivated to LIVE. But now living to me is like a CHORE. It’s something that I should get through every single minute of everyday. It’s more like enduring it actually. I don’t know what stage in life is this. But I just feel like everything has gone PALE… I was consciously trying really hard to get out of this – but I guess it’s true that what your subconscious is telling you, that is going to happen. There’s this feeling of extreme guilt that’s eating me up inside. I feel so bad that I’ve caused a nuisance to a lot of people. I was hurt BUT eventually hurt a lot of people in the process… And then I thought about the reasons of living. I see other people and ask myself why do they go on with their lives? What are their plans in the first place? What’s the fuel that keeps them going? Some people tend to be driven by worldly pleasures. Others would persuade me to go abroad or get a high paying job, ANY job for that matter… just to give a meaning to my life… and so that I can give them money… YEAH RIGHT… money is the chief motivator… what else is new? They expect that the real reason of my existence in this world that I didn’t even choose in the first place is because I should provide them what they want… What are they really? A flat screen tv? A high-tech cell phone? The gadget that they’ve been wanting so hard that they’d surely die if they don’t have it? A nice car? Clothes that can show off? Or be seen at some good restaurant so that they can be proud at themselves for having been there? Gawd, I shudder whenever there is so much excitement about temporal stuff. I GET ENORMOUSLY DISGUSTED.

I had a lot of going on in my life. I always get what I wanted (would qualify me to be called a spoiled brat?), and also some of the stuff that I never really wanted or needed but got them anyway. Don’t get me wrong, I’m extremely grateful, for my parents who are working so hard to provide all that, buy it just adds up to the emptiness. The more I get, the more I’ve been looking for something else, something different. Something that will make me feel a lot more like a person than some dump site of material things. I’ve even been asked by others, what more could I ask for? And keep on telling me, if you don’t like your stuff then give them to me, I would take all the pleasure of using them… haha… What’s wrong with me? I honestly can’t explain.

The incident just kept on flashing back on my mind. I was nearly in the finish line. Just a few steps there and BAM… I blew it… I totally blew it! Instead of heading to the finish line, I went a few steps back and never finished the race. I just froze. The main essence of me being there just flew away like some balloon in the sky. Once again, utter DISBELIEF… how could I have done that! I should’ve been happy with the person that means so much to me… I could’ve lived simply and peacefully with my own family… without even wanting the material stuff that doesn’t even count…. without being pressured by a lot of people asking me to fulfill their wants and caprices.
Is that the main reason of my existence - to provide to them their happiness and throw away my own? They might have developed skewed values regarding ALTRUISM. I’ve never felt that I belong. They just need me to tag along like some doormat. Somehow, I’ve gotten tired of the stereotypes and narcissists. They have finally gotten into my nerves… I needed time to be alone. To breathe the sweet air that I desperately longed for. I’ve had enough of people who needed me and just leave me like this whenever there’s nothing more to give. Is it still possible for me to be wanted because they want to spend time with me and not exploit and take advantage of me? I want to experience the true meaning of reciprocated altruism , (or do I still have to bargain for conditional altruism at best?) Isn’t that too ambitious and idealistic of me?

Maybe I have to shrug this off… but in the meantime, some time alone would do me good.