Fini...

As requested by fini... ^_^

Bevs

Another project that kept me busy...

Let's have some sushi...

I feel lazy today... got to improve the background and rice next time :)

Setsunai

I've learned this word from a good friend Miyuki Nanako... (Hi Miyu!) hmmm, I just couldn't find the right words to explain this in english... An example would be the video below... sad song but I just love Utada Hikaru! 宇多田ヒカル :)

Finished!

I guess this is better than the first one...

Forcing myself

Baby step number one. I tried vector art... again... and this is the outcome... hahaha!!!
ate Kitz, this might look ridiculous... waah...
Anyway, I'm sleepy... but next time I promise to do better than that... (o_O)

Hurrah...

Excuse me for this very dry victory cheer. I just thought it might help to be a little cheerful. Since I have been trapped in quicksand for quite sometime, it seems that I've been wallowing for too long (or so, I have finally noticed)... Special mention, my friend Kitz once posted a note a long time ago (March 13, I didn't see that because I was trying to avoid SNSes) saying that I should get off my butt and take baby steps one at a time until I find myself able to be genuinely happy again. It's too bad to put up a front... since I'm not used to faking my feelings in front of people, I just chose to hide from the eyes of the curious... oh well, have to face the facts once and for all whether it meant shame or humiliation. It's just a part of my life and I could never run away from it... (not like the person I thought know too well... ehem...) After this maybe I could say that the word C.O.W.A.R.D should not be burned across my forehead... I WISH that they find the right person that deserves that word! hah! (bitter?) It's hard for me to be the root of another person's sorrow... and it's even harder for my name to be murdered over and over again for all the hurt I've caused them... I pleaded for forgiveness but I guess it's just not enough... what is? I learned a lot... I realized that to be able to be forgiven by others, we should offer our forgiveness too - especially to the ones that have really hurt us so much. And the feeling is totally liberating! You forgive, but do not expect that person to change overnight... you just forgive and trust the Lord will find his way into that person's heart. You forgive, but do not prove your point nor tell the person how you were aggravated and that he or she should be forever guilty of the sin for it is useless because the realization should come from the person himself and not you... we cannot insist on how we feel because they will never understand nor empathize... not just YET... and don't wait for that to happen because it will only be a waste of precious time and energy. It's better to continue with our lives and believe that we can do better if we work harder. Aja!!! Eeek... I should practice what I preach!!! As for me I nearly lost my mind... I keep on looking at photos... I have come to a point when I was over analyzing things... lurid scenes kept on rewinding in my mind. It's spinning in my head over and over and over again. Then I'd pray for God to take them away from me... the things that cause any suffering and pain... I hope to find myself at peace...and I just hope to stay that way for good

Unexpected...

He gave me this when he thought that he almost lost me... He said that he couldn't bear the pain... and now as I look at it, I felt the pain that he once had

Life is full of surprises... Since Last month, I had a share of the Unexpected. Two men of the past has tried to contact me through my gmail and I don't even know how they got it... Then all of a sudden, I realized... Of course that's possible. I tried to google my name and there you go. My name is all over the internet, thanks to facebook by the way and google!!! (sarcasm)... There were hundreds of results. Anyway, one of my personal missions is to multiply that result by ten or even a hundred (hoping to boost up my adsense account). It was never my dream to be famous but I just want to connect to the world and in return people out there would probably want to share their life experiences with me.
Another Unexpected thing happened. Someone called me up from macau... I was shocked and could not find the right words to say...

Suddenly I'm sad

even the ones who choose a longer term do not develop roots deep enough to stick around for too long.

This is quoted by a favorite fellow-blogger. After reading this, I suddenly felt sad. I got the urge of reviewing his emails for the past few months and could not believe how happy we were before. And now, the transition was that easy. I felt like I lost my job without further notice. I was never prepared for this... not now. My life has been a constant struggle. For a moment it had been blissful that I could not explain why it has sky-rocketed and like fireworks, it had lost its spark after a short period of time. Such tragedies cannot be explained in an instant. I can't even answer that myself. I can't even assign this problem to somebody else for me. Though it was been ripping my head off this is the one I can't avoid. I should always remember to count my blessings and convince myself to think of happy thoughts... might as well not overdo it as they might think I'm on drugs...

It came over me in a rush

So, we're on a race... On your mark, ready get set go!!! but wait... before the traffic light turns green, you need to pause for a while on the yellow light. Even traffic lights are made like that and they are serving their purpose very well. People who disobey traffic rules will eventually get into a lot of trouble. I hope everyone would realize its significance in our daily lives. People tend to speed things up (Ouch, I'm guilty!). Justifying their behavior as something they have gotten used to everyday, they will surely develop nasty habits of making the wrong choices and hasty decisions. But we can't blame ourselves all the time as it is beginning to be a trend to most people. Instant noodles, canned goods, fast foods and all the toxic stuff that we consume when we're on the go. We just crack it open and pop them into our mouths without a care. Sooner or later the undisciplined food intake that we have would most likely contribute to the development of cancer cells. But I don't really want to talk about food here... A friend of mine once told me that it would be better to write the things that I have learned after a certain experience. If it's a painful one, it's not good to just simply ignore it and then go with the flow once again. What if it happens a second and a third time? (see my blog entry self-check) if it does, then it will keep on happening again and again until we learn! In my case, I don't want to be sick and tired of repeating the same error. It's a waste of time and effort... This applies to all of us, let's not be quick in everything we do. We have to pause for a while to be able to observe and analyze or maybe even read between the lines. Take into consideration all the things that matter and set aside all that don't. Everything that is rushed usually comes out half-baked and we do not like to settle for anything that's not done properly right? We get offended and unsatisfied by the results and tend to repeat the same process all over again which is tiring and worse, even makes things more complicated. I used to say that time is not important - that something does not require a long period of time to determine whether it's already done or not. I always say, for as long as you already know the truth, who needs to wait? Again, wanting to rush things, the quality that counts most is often compromised. It's probably the best advice that I could give. Take it from me!

I didn’t make it to Macau

Macau... til we meet again...

Sometime last 2007, before we even got out 13^th month pay, I was dreaming of going back to Macau. My previous stay of three months was all shopping around the popular San Malo square and ever busy streets of Red market which never seem to run out of people looking for best buys. I realized that I never really enjoyed the historic place. I was not able to take a lot of pictures of old churches, museums and parks. I was not able to learn more of it being a former Portuguese colony and the handover just occurred last December 20, 1999. But at least I’m proud to say that the best part of my stay there is that I was able to taste of the unforgettable Macanese cuisine. I was planning to break free from nostalgia when I eventually planned a trip there with someone whom I considered very special. Finally, I would be able to see Macau with Fisherman’s wharf and the Venetian Hotel since they were still not there during my brief stay back in 2005. The bear necessities that needed to be taken cared of like a place to stay and plane tickets were the top priorities on my list. I started to fish out these as early as November 2008. However, plans crumbled because of an incident that happened that I deeply regretted. And it’s not only the Macau trip that had gone with the wind but also the rest of the future plans that accompanied it. I was still hoping to get there right at this very moment. I was staring blankly at my packed things and the confirmation sheet on my folder together with my passport and was in utter disbelief. I should have been in the plane by now… flight PR352 with my husband. I never thought that it won’t happen… and it will never happen. Macau, I fell in love with you years ago and dreamt of coming back to you with the man I love. But alas, I think that I should let that dream go…

sexy in the city

I was never a fan of the series and also the movie but a friend of mine told me watch it. She said it can help me cope up. I didn't know what that means until I actually watched the movie alone (good thing I was alone because of some of the scenes are eye-popping, of course you should know what I mean)... I didn't expect at first that I could relate... but in the middle of the movie... I changed my mind... then I said to myself, maybe this is really for me and my friend is right! well, not really... if you include the happy ending because my story is not over yet or maybe I'm still in denial and would never accept the fact that it's over. Is that positive thinking or let's call it stupidity? If you want to know more about the movie, I advise that you watch it and tell me if it's for me or not...

grrr...

82°F (again... feels like 90°F) cloudy

I had an argument with a friend today... I didn't mean to get so angry... It's just that she's rushing me when I'm not ready yet. She wants me to be okay in just a click of a finger. I can't do that... not for now... I just hope she understands.

I am ENFJ

I don't know how accurate this test is but if you're curious, you might as well check it out:

Human Metrics

I am:

• moderately expressed extravert
  
• moderately expressed intuitive personality
  
• distinctively expressed feeling personality
  
• slightly expressed judging personality

so here is an example of me:

Bethany is an Idealist Teacher (ENFJ). She was fairly popular in high school and had her pick of young men. Later, she continued to find it easy to find dates. Her real problem was that she just couldn’t find what she was looking for. She joked that she was like Goldilocks. Bethany finally realized that she was holding onto an ideal that no man could match. She began dating an old friend and discovered that a relationship doesn’t have to be perfect to be satisfying and fulfilling.

then again, I should be able to learn to embrace what I really am...

NOTE: to better understand me, here's a link to that - http://typelogic.com/enfj.html
should I include this to my resume? lolz... just kidding...

comfort food...

The remnant of a not-so-comforting comfort food

On the same spot where I usually sit... 86°F (Feels Like 91°F)... hazy

By indulging in comfort food, it seems as though the idealist within me was awaken from a deep slumber. after reading a blog about perfect matches and soul mates, (that at first I found equivocal but decided to read the whole write-up nonetheless) it hit me right on the spot. I was considering a lot of facts when it comes to choosing "the one," that if one fails to complete my checklist then I could never consider that person to be a suitable or possible partner. I could never ever swear in front of God that I want to marry the person who's kneeling next to me on the altar if I am not sure of myself. I do not want to live in a BIG LIE all my life. But if ever it would be God's will that I let this love grow in my heart then I shall never complain.

I do not want the readers to think that I am romanticizing my idealistic views of love. It's more of sharing my personal understanding... I do not want my love to grow wings and flee from my heart, instead, I want it to grow so I would be able to share it with others and "the one." At the same time, I also want to develop a sense of security within myself... that I may be able to overcome the tragic experiences (if not of the tragic experience, then I doubt that I may be able to write this). Really my estrogen level is getting a bit high and I find myself a little emotional - drowning in melancholy once in a while. In that case, loneliness would be very hard to ignore.

and so, I end this blog entry with this excerpt:

Great love as defined by writers of Sex and the City:

Carrie:	And that phrase "great love," what does that even mean?
Charlotte:	It means, the love that changes you, that shakes you to your core after which you are never the same.

I thought such love did not exist until... it shook me to my core...

I suggest you read my other blogs... www.happychachi.blogspot.com

self-check

I have gone through a series of self-checks before. But those self-checks deemed insignificant after a period of time when I have forgotten the lessons learned behind a particular incident that I believed to have a big participation in. I may have gone through a lot of struggles and sadness but it was a challenge for me to remain poised and maintain my composure.

Surely this time I undoubtedly FAILED. I made an effort to keep my balance but I fell from the high-wire that I've been crossing for some time... and the hands that held me from falling has a reason why He let go, why He let it happen... and the reason remains still a mystery until I have overcome this painful chapter in my life.

I kept on listening on the gentle whispers... "God has a reason for all this" and this is not the time for me to discover the whole truth behind this painful chapter. But it will come to me in a good time when all is calm and my mind is open to change. It is the only time when meekness comes in and I have all the eagerness to learn as that of a child.

The only choice that I have is to face all the difficulties of the present time. If I am lucky enough to escape, it will continue to haunt me in another place and time. It is important for me to pick up the pieces of my life and accept the things that have happened. As a proverb may have put it "Something that happened once will never happen again... but when it happens twice, it will definitely happen the third time."

I do not fear to commit a mistake, nor do I fear of being an imperfect being. But I fear of not having to learn from my mistakes, and if I do not learn, it will surely happen again until such time that I have learned from the unavoidable circumstances. I do not want to learn when the time comes that I'm already old. I am trying my best to correct my mistakes while I'm younger... but I realized that I should not be in a hurry, for being in haste will only delay the learning process and would only be susceptible to risks of us having more errors than that of the first encounter.

anti-schism

I envy this cat who is at peace with himself... no worries...

I find myself once again very fond of blogging... as if this could go on and on and on for the rest of the day. Well, it's almost 3:00 in the afternoon and it's very unusual for me to find myself busy doing another thing. This has become a habit. It's not that disturbing, but at least there's something left for me to do other than chores.

Why anti-schism? I desperately need to connect to the world.

my zeitgeist

One rainy Monday I feel so high... 82°F (Feels Like 90°F) drizzling

Ever since I've developed the kind of mental capacity to decide on my own, I made a careful thought of how a friend once commented... "We still have to consider what our parents would say." Don't get me wrong, I'm not entirely against the statement.
My idea is entirely different. However, I don't know how to put it into a different light, my explanation would rather be in a way... spartan to most readers, but I don't expect to please or be understood by people for that matter.
Not that I'm hasty to make my point but I believe that being the usual caring and concerned parents that they are, giving us the perfect life that we have - wanting us to attend a prestigious school, wanting us to be involved in intellectual warfare that would determine how strong and healthy our minds are. Isn't it that the influences that we encounter outside our home molds us in a way, far from parents' interest? Probably not that far, but we developed our own stand when it comes to decision-making. We have a better judgment on our own part, thanks to the wisdom we acquired from books and universities and of course... our parents... and for me, our judgment does not come from books, universities or parents alone. they come from us... from the web that we have weaved and still weaving up to this time. And if ever we decide based on a single entity alone, then shame on us... it's defeating the purpose of parents wanting us to learn more about life... it's defeating the purpose of being alive... it's defeating the purpose of being free.

amicable to self

Sleep deprivation, that's the last sin that I have committed. Since the dawn of my health retaliation, I have ceased to consider myself to reach my 80's (that's very nice to know). I felt that my heart is not pumping enough blood to my system. Worried about me I assume? Don't be, I'll be fine. Cancer cells are not developing yet.

This is what keeps me
from getting all too dizzy... which reminds me, I have to set an appointment with my doctor

I suddenly have the urge to read the book Veronika decides to die. I've been constantly checking out the shelves of National Bookstore for that but there's still no trace of that book. Very true that Coelho has been able to make his books disappear from shelves. I checked my bedside table and realized that I still have to finish reading The Fifth Mountain.

I'm not new when it comes to blogging but I can see that this would be my constant companion at this point in time. No job, no colorful life to live. I have to refrain from being a cynic but this is all there is, nothing left for me to do but accept it.

These will be my constant companions as I start my blogging journey

Insightful Linguist?

high IQ... Low EQ?

Just curious about my IQ nowadays coz I thought I've lost it so here's the evidence that I still have something between my ears... curious? try testq

Insightful Linguist

Your IQ Score is: 124

You are gifted with the natural fluency of a writer and the visual and spatial strengths of an artist. Those skills contribute to your creative and expressive mind.

Insightful linguists can take complex concepts and articulate them to just about anyone. You have a gift with words and insight into processes and the way people think. These talents enable you to explain things clearly to people. Helen Keller is a great example of an Insightful Linguist. Blind, deaf and mute, she was still able to put things together in her mind and to understand complex ideas. She could do that because she was able to conceptualize ideas internally. Though she could not literally see, she had the visual and spatial skills necessary to understand patterns on an abstract level. She learned to read, write and ultimately became a writer on issues of social justice.

You have an uncanny ability to work your way out of sticky situations using your talent with words. Crossword puzzles, debates — you're particularly well equipped to come out on top since you can read people well.

Like Charles Dickens, your verbal skills go far beyond having a good vocabulary. Dickens' genius was in the artful and descriptive way he crafted sentences. Also Dickensian, is your keen eye for detail and your adeptness for identifying the best way to express an idea based on your given surroundings and circumstances.

Your ability to communicate your vision clearly will take you far. So enjoy being perceptive, and make the most of your abilities as an insightful linguist.